A family with three generations of adoption and care through Barnardo's share their story.
Newlyweds Bryan and Joy, both 44, live in Nottinghamshire with their two adopted sons, aged two and four. Bryan is an HGV driver and Joy has recently started work again part time as a cleaner at a school.
After undergoing a failed course of IVF treatment several years ago, the couple had a decision to make.
Joy says: “We had a choice between saving up thousands of pounds to try another stressful round of IVF, or give a child in care a loving home and a life they deserve. The decision for us was simple, plus we had several positive adoption experiences in our families already, so we felt reassured it wasn’t anything out of the ordinary for us to do.”
Bryan himself was adopted as a baby through Barnardo’s at only six weeks old and his father, Dave, grew up in Barnardo’s children’s homes and was later fostered. Joy’s father, Richard, was also adopted as a baby and they have other relatives in their wider family that have also successfully adopted.
They attended their first adoption information evening with Barnardo’s in November 2015. The couple then started on their adoption journey soon after and were approved to adopt in September 2016, with their eldest son arriving with them only a few weeks later.
Speaking about the adoption process, Joy said: “There was never any question it was going to be anyone other than Barnardo’s we adopted with, so as soon as we knew we were ready to adopt we gave Barnardo’s a call. Our social worker visited us at home to do the assessments. We didn’t find it stressful and although Bryan found it a bit more difficult at first in terms of opening up about himself and attending training days, we got a lot from it.
“After we were approved to adopt, we were quickly matched with a baby boy and on the day of our matching panel, it was a really emotional experience and everyone cried, including the professionals. We were so happy.”
Welcoming their children home
Bryan and Joy began regular visits to meet their little boy at his foster carers to build a relationship with him.
The pair said: “As our bond got stronger, it became harder to leave him after each visit and when we went to pick him up to bring him home for good, it didn’t feel real at first. He had trouble sleeping for the first few weeks but we learnt what settled him, such as different nursery rhymes, and we both just took it in our stride to let him do what he needed those first few weeks. Barnardo’s also helped us prepare some sensory items to assist his transition beforehand, such as a Lamaze butterfly that had our voices and photos on.
As Bryan and Joy were in the process of adopting their little boy, they were informed he would soon have a birth brother, who would also be placed for adoption.
The couple only initially planned to adopt one child, but admitted it didn’t take them long to reconsider and five months later, their second son came to live with them at just three days old.
Joy said: “We debated if it would be too much for our first son to have a baby move in so soon after, but we did lots of things to help him settle in and transition with his baby brother and now they are just so close. He has always helped look after his little brother, who is just such a great little character.
Bryan said: “Our two boys are just out of this world and we can’t imagine our lives without them now. They love each other one minute and are falling out the next, the same as any brothers do.”
Bryan and Joy recently wed in September, with their two boys taking pride of place on the special day.The newly married couple chose to go home on their wedding evening with their beloved sons and will soon be jetting off on their honeymoon, complete with their boys and with Bryan’s dad Dave and his wife.
Joy said: “Nowadays, I don’t want to do anything other than be with my family. We have our happy ever after ending.”
Bryan was also adopted as a baby at six weeks old. He said: “My family were always really open to me about the fact I was adopted, but it wasn’t anything that bothered me. I was treated exactly the same as my other siblings and I had a brilliant childhood. We had a really outdoors kind of lifestyle as we were growing up. That’s something we continue together now and we love taking our boys away to the caravan with my dad and family – they’re in their element when they are outdoors, just like we were growing up.”
Bryan’s dad Dave’s story
Bryan had always known his dad had been in care when he was younger and he had a relationship with his dad’s foster mum as his grandma, but it wasn’t until Bryan and Joy’s adoption process that they learnt more in-depth about Dave’s childhood.
Speaking about growing up, Dave said: “I was taken into care when I was about 18 months old and grew up in Barnardo’s care homes and foster homes around Kent. At the age of 10, I went to a sea training school in Dorset with lots of other kids the same age. We did school studies but it was also a very military structure and we learnt seamanship skills each day.
“By the age of 17, I had done my full commando training, which I was proud of, as I was one of only a few to pass. I joined the royal marines as a junior and was sent on my first posting in active service to Yemen.” Dave continued his career in the services for the next 22 years.
He admits his childhood was not an easy one, but he started his own family at the age of 21 when he got married. He and his wife decided to adopt, and after sending off lots of letters, were put on a waiting list with Barnardo’s.
Dave acknowledges the adoption process now is very different to how it was when he adopted his son Bryan in the 70s. He said: “There’s so much back up and support available today through the whole process, which wasn’t there when we were adopting.”
After 18 months, Dave was invited to meet baby Bryan. The next day, Bryan came home with them. They had weekly visits from professionals for the following six months, before they were granted adoption, which Dave describes just felt “brilliant.”
Dave said: “We were a little shell shocked to come home at first with this tiny baby, but we have always had such a close relationship and Bryan did everything with me at home.
“Now, I’m just over the moon that Bryan and Joy have been able to adopt. I have such a brilliant relationship with my two grandsons, who are such different little characters, and I get to have the best role with them – being silly grandad! Barnardo’s has given me something so amazing with these two wonderful little boys that I can’t put a value on.”