How to help your child if they are struggling to make friends

Going back to school can be a nerve-wracking for children and young people. They're adjusting to a new schedule, joining new classes and, of course, might need to make some new friends.  

Throughout our lives, many of us will struggle with friendships. At school, a child might feel left out of a friendship group, have a fallout, or their best friend might move away. 

But for some, making friends can be even tougher. Children in care might bounce around from location to location, which can make it hard to put down roots and develop long-lasting relationships. Meanwhile, children with special education needs, such as autism, might find social situations difficult or overwhelming. 

It can feel scary to put yourself out there. Even adults sometimes feel anxious when introducing themselves to new people. But the good news is that there are small steps to take if a child you care for is struggling to make friends.  

If you foster a child, they will be entitled to an Independent Visitor. This is a volunteer who is there for them and can offer friendship and support. 

We spoke to Jennie Massey, Service Coordinator at Barnardo’s Cornwall Independent Visitor and Advocacy Service to find out more: 

What tips or advice would you give to a parent or carer whose child is struggling to make friends at school? 

"If your child is struggling to make friends, I would suggest talking to them about how they’re feeling and validate their experiences. This will give them a safe space to sift through any difficult thoughts or feelings.  

It may sound straightforward, but many friendships start from sharing interests and hobbies. So, you could also encourage the child to look out for people who have similar hobbies and interests.  

Sometimes when we get stuck in the same routine, it can be difficult to meet new people and make friends. So, why not encourage your child you care for to try something new, such as joining a club (inside or outside of school) or volunteering. 

If they’re finding classes particularly difficult, you could even speak to their school. But it might be worth chatting to the child beforehand, to make sure they’re comfortable.  

The school might be able to offer a buddy system, teach lessons about self-esteem, resolve bullying issues, or even make activities more inclusive if your child has a learning difficulty, such as autism.  

And, if you’re caring for a child, it’s worth reminding them that they are entitled to an Independent Visitor – this is an independent adult volunteer who they can socialise and have fun with, in a safe environment."  

What is an Independent Visitor and how do they offer friendship? What might a typical 'visit' look like?  

"All children in care (whether they live in residential care or with a foster carer) are entitled to an Independent Visitor.  

Independent visitors are unpaid volunteers, who befriend a young person and engage in child-led activities. This can just be a chat in a café, a walk on the beach to more adventurous sports and activities. I call these ‘meet ups’ as all activities are away from the child’s home.  

Of course, there are boundaries within the friendship. Until the young person is 18, the independent visitor keeps their personal life private. But beyond that, we hope that the friendship continues."

How does someone get an Independent Visitor?  

 "The uptake for Independent Visitors is quite low, sadly. Many young people aren’t made aware of their right to have an Independent Visitor.

There is a referral system in place, so a social worker or Independent Reviewing Officer will usually make the referrals. You can visit National Independent Visitor Network for more information."

What is something you would love to tell everyone about Independent Visitors that they may not already know? 

"Independent Visitors can make such a difference to the life of a child or young person.

They are a consistent figure who can meet up with the child. They can listen if that’s what a child needs or simply have fun, positive times together.

That’s why we try to match the young person with an Independent Visitor who has similar hobbies and interests.  

As well as giving young people the chance to try something new and engage in activities they enjoy, it’s often an opportunity for them to develop new independence skills. For example, our Independent Visitors might help a young people learn how to use public transport."