“It felt like two families coming together”

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Lindsey and her husband Phil didn’t set out to adopt two children at once, or to adopt an older child, but when they attended an activity day (where prospective adopters and children waiting to be adopted enjoy activities together) they met and fell for two little girls who would become their daughters.

Lindsey says “We didn't know what to expect, but actually the activity days were fantastic. [...] It was there that we met the girls. The first thing one of our daughters said to us was ‘oh, do you know what my favourite book is?’ and then we just got talking about books. Just at that moment, Phil and I kind of looked at each other, and just said, these are our children because they're just like us. It wasn't that we went in intending to adopt a sibling group, but we met the girls, and we just loved them from the first minute.”

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Tara* and Louise* were five and seven years old when they were adopted by Lindsey and Phil. This means they were considered as ‘older’ children in adoption terms as they were both over the age of four. Older children, as well as siblings, often wait longer to find their forever homes. The thought of adopting a child who may have clear memories of their early life or taking on more than one child at once may seem an incredibly daunting challenge, but Lindsey has found it helped make them a better fit for each other.

“They're already these little people with their personalities and it was lovely going to the activity day and just getting to know them as people straight away. They were already these fully formed human beings with their likes, their interests and everything and that was one of the things that drew us to them when we were speaking to them. We could already see that we had things in common and we could just tell that we would gel as a family.”

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For many children in care, their brother or sister has been the only constant presence in their lives. Finding a forever home together can have lots of benefits for them in the short and longer term. Lindsey thinks it’s helped her daughters enormously. “They have that inbuilt support from the very beginning, they don't have that settling in process all by themselves”.

“I asked my older daughter the question about how that it impacted them having each other and what she said resonated with me. [She said] she felt that she wasn't joining a new family [but] like it was two families coming together. So it was her family, which was her and her sister, and our family, which is me and my husband, sort of joining together as one big family rather than them coming into a completely new situation all alone.”

“She’s always had somebody she could talk to about adoption and about the issues that they've faced themselves, because they have faced some difficult situations in the past. They've always got that support there. And it's not a support where they're asking somebody a question who hasn’t lived it, they can actually speak to each other knowing that they have lived the same experience and they understand one another. It's been really good for them to have that support.”

There are many different agencies or local authorities you can adopt with in the UK but Lindsey and Phil were drawn to us because they had heard about the support we offer.

“It was always made very clear to us that Barnardo's is always on the other end of the phone. If ever we have a question or we need anything, we can always get in touch and that's good to know. It's sort of a little security blanket to have in the background” says Lindsey.

Before you adopt, we’ll invite you to a preparation course to explore all the benefits and challenges of adoption. “We found the training that we had was incredible, it prepares you so well for adoption, it’s amazing. It goes through every scenario, every possibility, you hear from real life adopters as well which is really useful and we found that, that training process really helped us feel more confident in the whole thing. When I speak to parents who have had children biologically they come across some of the same issues as we do, it’s really not that different, but we have had a lot more preparation and have a lot more understanding of what may underlie some of the behaviours and people who haven’t had the training don’t get that. I suppose it would benefit most people really.”

“It has its benefits in a way because it’s a little bit like therapy, you talk a lot about your own childhood and own upbringing, not in any way as a judgement on you, it’s just to help you process your own parenting style and how you might like to parent going forward and the best ways to do that. I suppose in a way us adopters get more preparation than any biological parent ever does really.”

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Lindsey said, “Everybody who's ever had a child will always say that there are some challenges and there are some difficult moments, but on the whole, it's an incredible experience. It's wonderful and it's changed our lives in so many fantastic ways. It's really hard to put into words.” 

“We always wanted more than one child in our lives, but not necessarily at the same time.” “We weren't expecting to adopt older children, but we just fell in love with them - and I feel like it was meant to be. It's honestly as if they've always lived here. They've always been part of us. It's hard to remember a time when they weren't with us.”

“To anyone else considering adopting siblings, I would say go for it. It's the best thing you'll ever do. Obviously, it will have its challenges, all parenting does, you go into it expecting that but expect amazing moments as well. Expect some fantastic moments and just a huge life change. It's really exciting and it's so good for them as well to keep them together, to keep that family bond for them and to make sure that they always have that person who they know has gone through the same experiences and will understand them always.”

*Louise and Tara are not their real names.