Maria's story

Following assessment the psychiatrist suggested that mum refer Maria to Barnardo’s Child Bereavement Service. Maria’s mum had no idea that her daughter was so unhappy and they never talked about her father who died in an accident 9 years previously.

The Barnardo’s worker offered containment and reassurance to Maria’s mother that it was normal and ok for children and young people to need to talk about a loved one even many years after a death. The worker gave Maria’s mum information on how adolescents grieve and reassured her that it would be good for the whole family to talk about Maria’s Dad. Maria was seen soon after in a Barnardo’s venue near to their home.

Maria arrived looking pale and anxious and it was obvious her mum was very worried about her. In the first session the worker practiced some grounding strategies with Maria and encouraged some gentle conversation about her Dad’s death, whilst acknowledging that many people miss loved ones many years after their death. The practitioner gave Maria time to talk about how much she missed her Dad.

Maria, the oldest of four children shared that while her Dad’s photograph hung on the wall no-one ever talked about him. The worker told Maria that it was normal for her to need to talk about him and wonder what he was like and what he would think of her now. Maria said she loved her Mum very much but did not want to upset her by asking questions about her Dad.

At the end of the first session Maria and her worker had agreed that they would meet initially for eight sessions and explore Maria’s feelings of pain and loss and make a book about her Dad including how Maria was like him and special memories.

Maria shared in her second session that taking tablets did not answer anything and stated that she did not want to die but had felt very confused and alone. Her mother joined her and the worker at the end of this session and for the first time since his death they were able to say his name and talk about how much everyone missed him. Maria and her mother both reported that the first few sessions enabled them to feel much better; as if a weight had been lifted from their shoulders.

Over the following weeks Maria and her worker discussed how her Dad died and what happened at the funeral. At the time Maria had never received an explanation of what had caused her Dad to die and her family had thought that it would be too sad for the children to attend the funeral.  The worker supported the mother to talk to her daughter about the circumstances of her Dad’s death and share mementos and tributes from the funeral service.

The sessions went on to help Maria realise that what she was feeling was normal grief and that she was not going crazy. Maria was offered time to learn about her father’s life and how she was like him.

The worker suggested that Maria and her mum spend time together. They used this time to go up to the attic and take down all the boxes that had been quickly put away following her father’s death. In these boxes were his personal possessions including photographs and cards. There had been a homemade Christmas card that Maria had made for him just before he died.

The entire family really talked that weekend and they all made special memory boxes from all the stuff in the attic.

Maria’s mum referred to that weekend as being a turning point for the whole family and she felt they had stopped holding their breath waiting for the next bad thing to happen.

Maria went on to meet with a series of significant people who loved her Dad and made a book about his life. She had a picture of what her Dad was like as a child, a friend, a brother, a grandson, a colleague, a boy friend and a husband. While she was doing this she was amazed by talking about her dad how she was able to remember more about him and so did her siblings.

By the eighth session with the Barnardo’s worker, Maria and her Mum both stated that they felt the best they had since her Dad’s death. Maria stated she felt close to him and now realised how much he loved her and her family. She missed him and wondered how different life would be if he was still alive. However, she celebrated his life and now she talks about him easily. Every Saturday the family has a Chinese meal as that was what they did on a Saturday night with him when he was alive.